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Twisting Thumbs…must Blog…

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I have been a crazy recluse lady the past few weeks.  I’ve been working on House, so that’s a part of an excuse, but to be honest I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I sat down to analyze exactly why that was, because life is actually very good right now, and I realize my funk coincided with…the uploading of the last episode of The Guild.  Ding ding ding!!

A year and 4 months ago I sat down to write a 38 page script called “The Guild” and on May 17th or so I actually uploaded the end of my script (or a form of it).  I saw it filmed and released, unlike most scripts ever written.   I should be ecstatic, and in a way I am.  But they talk about withdrawal depression and I guess that’s a form of what’s been hitting me.  Every day I’ve worked on this show, for over year now, and now the project is at a crossroads and must start anew; the writing, the funding…and I think the burnout hit me after I clicked to upload Episode 10.  The physical will to answer MySpace messages and maintain the website and answer emails has been like dragging a tractor trailer with my teeth, lol.   Also, when I’ve tried to make myself start the Second Season script, there’s been…a lot of doodling, and I found myself logging on to Guitar Hero or WOW MUCH more than I should have been.  Bad girl!

One of my problems is that I am really hard on myself when I have things looming that I feel I SHOULD be doing, but am not.  That builds and builds the longer I delay things and then reaches the point where I’m flogging myself for being lazy and missing opportunities and blah blah blah.  It’s the same voice that tells me a line or a story idea is stupid without even trying it out, or tells me to act a scene for an audition in a certain way (to please people) even though my instinct is screaming “NO!!”  It’s a nasty bad voice that I have to fight a lot, the lot of a perfectionist.   Bad voice, bad!

Good news, I had a lovely lunch with my Guild co-producer, Kim Evey, today, and I’m totally stoked about the new season story and the DVD release and Comicon plans (that will be posted soon).  Kim was in Hawaii for a week (GRR! :))  and gave me an infusion of enthusiasm that started the characters talking in my head again.  Also, I finished working on House (Got some withdrawal downer from that too, you always do after working on a movie or TV set because it’s probably true you’ll never work with most the people again) so I can clear my plate and re-prioritize.   Another problem is I’m a TERRIBLE multi-tasker, and I’ve been torn in 18 different directions the past few weeks.  But, re-organizing is the key, and actually just writing this blog post is pretty fun and creative flowing for me, so thanks for the prodding me to blog you internet friends out there,  I really appreciate it!

I’ve been reading a bunch of fantasy novels, long hours in the trailer and all that, so I’ll have some reviews posted this weekend.   And I have a new goal with the Wii Fit that I’ll be posting this weekend as well.

BTW, I have another theory that Twitter is ruining my drive to blog long-form.  Does anyone else out there have that problem who blogs and Twitters?

  • Dani [ maxsummers ]

    You are a perfectionist, have voices in your had, you’re a multi-tasker, you’re EVERYWHERE on the internet … no wonder you’re in a funk! (never saw this word used this way, but I got the meaning… I think)

    Hope u feel better and organize things on your head! =]
    Don’t be too hard on yourself… everyone should take time to spend a few weeks as a crazy recluse lady, I think it helps to recharged.

    About Twitter/blog thing… I wouldn’t know. I’ve tried to be a bloger, didn’t work very much. And Twitter… I made an account, but still can’t see why it’s fun.

  • I have the same problem with Twitter/blogging. I even quit with the long form blog for the time being. Now I just tumble and tweet, and pownce a little.

    DVD? Whoopee! Can’t wait.

  • I have a problem keeping on schedule (self imposed) for updating my blog that only a handful of friends read mainly to amuse me. I make Tweets but they are infrequent at best, and I never feel like I’m doing anything interesting enough to make Tweets about.

    Sorry you’ve been down about the ending of the first season of The Guild- I was kind of upset about it ending myself, there really has been a lack of good, interesting television lately and The Guild really helped me with my withdrawals from that.

    I’m almost finished with the third book in the Night Watch tetralogy and it’s really good, if you haven’t checked them out I’d definitely recommend them! Looking forward to some good fantasy novel reviews 🙂

  • Hooray! You are human like the rest of us (Being Human)!? I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that you admitting that sometimes it’s really hard to motivate yourself makes it easier for other people to admit it to themselves, too.

    So anyway, now you’ve blogged and seen Kim you should maybe tell yourself you are not allowed to write anything for The Guild until Wednesday next week. Not a word. Have a week off the pressure and do all the other things you need to do (WoW, Flog updates, craft stuff, Wii, Guitar Hero, pastry consumption, chillaxing…you get the picture). Once you are banned from doing it you will return with renewed vigour and have the whole thing written much more quickly than if you slogged between now and then.

    You’ve been working non-stop (yes – you have!) so have fun and best of luck with it. And keep us posted!

  • I wouldn’t be to hard on yourself. I myself though am a horrific multi-tasker. I kind of feel like you do, where theres a million things I need to do, and I don’t want to do any of it. Mainly work related stuff for me. I need to get into a new department, Im hating my job. And none of this makes much sense as a response to your blog except that I can associate those feelings. anyway, take care, and remember, that voice in your head that screams NO!! is usually right. Ive always hated doing something when I know it should be done differently. Thats probably why I don’t like to surround myself with “yes” people. I like the bitter truth, even if it hurts. It provides prospective. But thats me, and sometimes Im just weird

  • Even those of us that aren’t in the ‘Biz experience similar feelings of coming down from elated/busy highs in our lives. For example, I get really worked up with excitement when NY Comic Con comes around and when it’s over I get what my friends have dubbed “convention depression.” I get bored with things that I loved too like writing and playing City of Heroes (luckily issue 12 brought me back to the servers). Maybe it’s the funky chaotic NJ weather but I find myself staring at my document not typing like I should be and praying that no one is going to beat me to the punch if I put this project off one more week.

    We love you. We’ll be here for you when you need us. And knowing that there’s a super awesome DVD release coming up gives us a chance to spread the Guild love in yet another new way! =) Hugs.

  • I struggle with the same issues, whether it be composing, updating my own blog, or practicing for upcoming gigs (I have a rehearsal tonight I haven’t yet practiced for, for instance.) I also have always experienced the same withdrawal depression. It even happened to me when I finished my doctoral dissertation, if you can believe that!

    As far as Twitter goes, the frequent downtime, etc. has been so annoying to me that I haven’t updated at all lately.

    Anyway, I think what you are experiencing is common among creative types, and I believe it is even a natural part of the creative process. It can be an emotional rollercoaster. I think the trick is this: when you are down in the valley or making the slow climb up the hill, just keep in mind that at some point you will be at the summit! I know it’s kind of cheesy, but it’s all I’ve got!

  • sorry, you are in a funk. the funks definitely a pitfall of being a creative type…

    but really what i wanted to ask was kind of unrelated to your funk, but i’m curious so i have to ask.. are you going to do any in game footage for season 2?

    that would have to be a blast to V.O. and edit, and you can justify being up much too late fraps’ing people trying to find Manrok’s wife… why would anyone do that?

  • You are a creator. It is in your design. We can all get really whacked out when the creation part is over and all the awful little “non-creation” details have to be addressed.

    It is good for all of us to remember the seventh day, and keep it separate. You won’t do the world any favors by driving yourself into the ground.

    So go out among the wisteria and just sit. If perfectionism is eating at you, perfect the art of “just sitting.”

    And those voices in your head? That’s the devil, and he doesn’t want to help you.

    You are made for so much more than the word “no.” Don’t defeat yourself that way. I struggle every day with that “no” voice, that “that is stupid” voice, that “they’ll finally figure out you are a fraud” voice. I understand that in Hollywood there is a line of people just waiting to tell you how you don’t meet their needs, how someone is better, how you need to work on X, Y or Z. Don’t get in that line.

    Completion isn’t the goal. The work (and its absolutely necessary element – rest) is the goal.

    I’m really sorry if I’m going overboard. Your words really hit a resonant nerve with me. Very close to home (and well-written, I might add).

    I’m so glad that the juice is starting to go again, and hope you get addicted to a freeflow approach to the first draft. At the very least, those naughty voices can wait, after all, for the second!

    PS – I’m reminded of how John was drawn into a life with Yoko: he was at an art show of hers in New York. One of the exhibits was a step ladder leading to something very small on the ceiling. John climbed to the top of the ladder, craned his neck and looked at the small thing. It was one word. It said, “yes.”

    Don’t forget the yes.

  • PaulfromSunnydale

    Hi Felicia,
    I know that voice, it has been bugging me a lot too. If we both hear the same voice, does that mean we’re both equally crazy, or that the voice is real (BAD voice, BAD!)?
    LOL
    Keep at it: listen to us, not that stupid voice!
    Paul

  • Linden

    Your blog is always an inspiration to me. You’re in a business most people dream about as perfection from day to day, and share the normalness of it. The ordinary feelings that so many of us struggle with. Thanks for sharing, even when you’re kicking yourself.

    I recently moved cities and I’m looking for work, considering a change in career. I’ve been feeling very much the way you’ve described: trying to get things done and getting paralyzed by a disoriented funk. I’ll get through it. You’ll get through it.

    In other news, the copy of The Name of the Wind that you sent arrived yesterday. Yay! I can’t put it down. I haven’t been this hooked since I picked up The Eye of the World nine years ago! Thanks for reviewing it and peaking my interest.

  • William George Ferguson

    One thing I wonder, that little streaming insert you added for ‘recently played’ music usually shows a variety of indie stuff, but ‘current’ (2 days ago) shows Bach and Beethoven, Franz Joe interwoven, and Francois Couperin tops off. Was that a sign of, or an attempt to break, the depression?

    Just curious.

  • soma

    whats a Flog without a nice diversion/segue from me[eh?]

    twitter docks you [points] for writing more..

    isnt the point of all this to communicate.. uh, more.. ?

    im not surprised the net hasnt turned us all in to
    anagrammatic [?] fools.. [tho LOL has survived for ages]

    memorial day pushed the comic shipments one day over..

    summer school starts next week..

    ..

    you rock Felicia, and you deserve a break..

    ..

    my friends leave for hawai’i next week..

    for

    three

    weeks..

  • soma

    doooood! for the past year youve been
    working like crazy ..

    take a break, you deserve it!..

    i should be playing/complaining about AoC …

    my friends leave for hawai’i next week..

    … for three weeks..

    whilst i start class..

    c’est la vie.. non?

    ps: when im out riding the motorcycle.. people
    always feel they can ask me whatever they want
    when stopped at the lights.. “hey can i get in
    front of you.. ? does that road take me to [place]?
    “hey can you do a burnout? i got a bike at home
    its a [bike] yada yada”..

    seriously.. riding takes concentration.. even just
    standing there balancing.. dont talk to me!

    [/rant]

  • I agree with Linden. I think the fact that you blog and seem so normal despite being an actress is awesome, Felicia! I really like The Guild and I hope everything works out with it. You and the other actors and people working on the series have done a fantastic job. You definitely should be proud.

    I, too, received my copy of The Name of the Wind in the mail the other day. Thanks so much!

  • I can agree with you on every word you wrote.

    It is on an everyday basis that I fall into big dark holes and can’t find my way out for quite a while. I do about 89 things at the same time, everything has priority 1 (which is the highest for me) and I often can’t see where to start. So I sit around and think about it until a deadline comes shockingly near or some work grabs my attention which normally should have priority 199 (with 100 as the least important). But I come along. Somehow we all manage to get our work done, don’t we? Even if it needs a kick or two from dear friends.

    BTW, I don’t agree on the Twitter thing. Twitter doesn’t stop me from writing really long blog-entries. But maybe I don’t twitter enough.

  • I know this isn’t quite the same thing, but I just finished my latest novel and fell into a creative funk (and existential angst! well, maybe not). I think it’s normal to slump after being so keyed-up and super-productive.

  • Felicia,

    I twitter and blog. It’s become a nightmare for me to blog, so I’ve got it set up for my twitter to be copied to my blog. So instead of having a long drawn out long form blog, I have a bunch of random thoughts from my day.

    It works for now. My hope is that eventually I’ll start elaborating on my little thoughts throughout the day. You know, after my twitters post then I will turn around and edit and add a longer form blog about those thoughts.

    We’ll see. It’ll probably all amount to nothing. I’ll end up doing it and saying to myself “that looks stupid”. And my new idea will die.

  • Sebassis

    Good to see you blogging again 🙂

    Veronica Belmont has barely blogged since she got hooked onto twitter too… I guess the short form tweet fills that need to write about what’s been going on so you don’t feel the need to write a big lump of “what’s been going on in my life”. Kevin Smith has barely blogged since he started post production on Zak and Miri and he’s crazily prolific so I wouldn’t feel too bad about it 🙂

    I used to be a prolific emailer but since I got hooked on facebook I barely email anymore preferring to update what I’m up to now and messaging in facebook. I guess I’m just an Internet whore looking for whatever’s new.

    Anyway good to see you back and can’t wait to see you on House. Hugh Laurie is awesome.

  • Ingot

    Did you get a chance to really celebrate your finishing the first season? Sometimes it takes a good gift to weigh in as an applicable reward for good work. I could see some of the WoW time as such a reward. It’s just that you seem to continue to think of it as blowing time instead. Double-edged that one.

    Re: blogging vs. micro-blogging. If you micro-blog in your blog, it’s possible you won’t do the nice sized, fully-thought entries such as this one for the same reason as Twittering detracts. It doesn’t matter where you do the quick topics, here in several small paragraphs or there as you think of them, if it affects you so. However, Twitter seems like the better place for the short entries and what are now becoming the keep-in-touch calls of the past.

  • Ben

    Not too long ago I read a short book by Woody Allen called Side Effects. It was a collection of thoughts and funny stories…kind of the 1971 book version of a blog.

    While reading the book, in my head I could totally “hear” Woody speaking the words on the page. What I enjoy about The Flog is that I can really “hear” your voice. I love that you are candid and that you take the time to share your thoughts with us. Its really a treat to hear your unique perspective on show business. There’s aren’t many people in your position that would be so open with the fans.

    We all get a little blue sometimes. The end of one thing is always the beginning of something new so I suggest that you embrace that gloomy feeling and use it to create something new. And we’ll be here to read, watch or listen to it!

  • Thanks for your nice words! I love the fact that other creative people have the same ups and downs, and we have a venue to discuss them!

    It’s nice to blog again and I will definitely be doing another entry today or tomorrow. And I think a good thing would to be to write down Twitters I particularly want to write more about and use it as the seed of a blog entry, because SOMETIMES there’s more to a Twitter than just a…Twitter. 🙂

  • Mauro

    Also, we can’t really comment on Twitters.

  • Well done on getting the first draft of Season 2 done 🙂

  • Jeff

    Welcome back to blogging, my iGoogle widget for your blog was just sitting there not getting updated. Heh.

    And I hope you aren’t still playing WOW – that’s probably what fed the creativity for “The Guild” in the first place. Well, maybe you’re not addicted anymore but I’m starting to realize after 3 years of playing WOW that MMORPGs pretty much dampen ambition (but it’s so darned fun, heh).

    Guitar Hero is a different story, who doesn’t like rocking out every now and then?

  • Andrew

    The only thing that’s gotten me out of my funk lately is cooking and baking. I’ve developed my own simple flour tortillas that I can bash out in half an hour and BAM! Fresh tortillas!

    That will solve your burrito mayhem.

  • Ben

    Andrew–You can’t throw down with a comment like that and then not share…we want fresh tortillas in 30 minutes too.

    Would you please post that mighty tortilla recipe????

  • Actually you guys, if you go to my FriendFeed account and subscribe you can make all sorts of comments on Twitters. That’s why people like FriendFeed. Check it out and see if you like it. I don’t visit much because I get few comments, but if I had a reason I would check for them.

    And yes, I need fresh tortillas too! YUM!!

  • Mia

    Hrm… I’ve never been in the situation you’re in, but I wonder if taking a couple of weeks vacation somewhere would rejuvenate you?

    So you’re still working on House since your last blog? I wonder if that means you’re in more than one episode?

    And I can’t help but wonder what Olivia Wilde is like in person. I was rooting for her a lot at the beginning of season 4, because she played my favorite character on the O.C.!

    As for Twitter, I’ve found myself barely using it, for 2 reasons: The texts are too short for my taste, and I don’t have enough friends who use it.

    I hope you feel more motivated soon, Felicia! All us fans/internet friends/something want you to succeed!

  • Mia

    Test? My comments aren’t working?

  • I completely understand what you are saying. I’m a blogger, a gamer, a twitterer and a way less than part-time voice actor. I get really stoked when I get a job but then it’s recorded and DONE usually in one day. When it’s done I get that post job depression, because even tho it’s my part part part part time thing and I have a full time career, that one little snippet of acting makes me so very, very happy and it sucks to walk away because I wonder…will I get another job? Will I get to do this again? I think if you have that creative bug at all (which my dear, you DO) I think it has a lot to do with walking away from the work you love and the people you briefly bonded with. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I did VO work full time, tho believe me, I’d love to try. 🙂

    I actually quit Twittering last week and deleted my account. It was too much, and felt like I was IM’ing with people I didn’t know, and it kept me from posting on my blog as much. I missed it but I have my own site, IM accounts up the wazoo, and a MySpace page so it’s not like I’m hard to reach. Maybe I will go back after they stabilize a bit…the constant outages were mildly annoying.

    Chin up, mind open, and know that you are doing what you love to do, and that you WILL do it again soon! 🙂

    -Mike

  • Speaking of pulling tractor trailers. That is why i am not an “artist” anymore. I tried but, yeah.
    What you said.
    Creating became work and my brain broke.
    Shortly there after i started driving (truck)
    Ive always worked around grease so it wasn’t as bad as it might sound. Im still creating but its low, low, LOW commitment. Or stress.

    Maybe you could wrap up the story in the next episode. With an open-ending.
    Then when you start craving ol’Zaboo in a year or so you start it back up. And marry him. And have little Zaboo-lets

  • Oh, i forgot.
    I like WatchtheGuild more than cheese and crackers! And i do like me some cheese and crackers : )
    Im glad i stumbled upon it back when.

  • You’re working really hard! And why not for that break? Take a few days, chill out, pig out (in a good way) on those killer tortillas! I’m quite sure your fans won’t complain.

    Plus, all the better if a Guild Season 2 script came out from all that R&R!

  • I don’t get Twitter…honestly. It just confuses me. I find Facebook so much easier. Am I some technophobe or some computer-incompetent guy?

    Ironically, I spend most of my free time on the Internet. So I think I’m a Web addict, just not necessarily to Twitter or Friendfeed. They’re relatively new though.

  • Btw Felicia help me pass along a compliment to Joss Whedon!

    Recently I managed to get my hands on some comics (what with ComicCon coming up and everything) and one of them happened to be the series of Astonishing X-Men he wrote the storyline for. And can I say it was excellent! It was a really marvelous piece of work that just had me spellbound from start to finish!

    Compliment him for me k! Thanks!

  • Randy (sariah)

    Hey Felicia,

    Everyone can feel the exact same way. While I’ve never found my creative energy in the arts, I do find it in technical areas, and the minute something is over and life becomes “routine” again I get into that same kind of funk you described. Thats probably why I’ve had 4 positions in my company within the past 3 and a half years. Its great, I learn, I do, do some more…do more…and get fed up with it and bolt for a new (and always higher up) position. Just don’t stop lovin life and have fun!

    And don’t worry….Parros, Fiatlux, Scarbuck, Kyland and I can keep everyone on their paths 😉

  • I’ve been in a funk too, recently. I should write again soon.

    Hmmm… Dragonforce…

  • Felicia,

    The same thing happens to me when I finish writing a book. I use what little downtime I have between books to do all of the things I’d neglected or just not had time to do for the previous eight months. More work is the best therapy for me. ; ) But those first few days after finishing a project are tough.

    BTW — Email me and let me know when your episodes of House will air. I’d love to see them!

    Take care!
    Lisa

  • Omg! Is that what you meant by House? I wasn’t sure if you meant the show or you were doing something on your house, LOL!

    (Duh, I guess.)

    What are you doing for House, Felicia?

  • I am not supposed to divulge my role, but it’s a one episode role. And such a fantastic experience!

    It will be on in September, it’s the second episode of the new season. I guess they’re shooting early because of the possible actor’s strike.

  • Wow, that’s awesome! I’m such a big fan of the show. After the episode airs (which I’ll be watching anyway 😀 ) you’ll have to tell us how cool it was to work with the other actors.

    I can’t wait to see it!

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