I make good on my promises, even if they’re made while drunk and probably not a good idea. As I did in this Tweet a few months ago.
To catch anyone up who’s lost, I made the mistake of mocking the plethora of kilts in the romance section of Borders on my Twitter feed. It seemed really weird to me that there was so much goddamned tartan in that section. Innocuous statement I though. Immediately afterward, while I was watching a jazz band and drinking mojitos, I received a storm of indignant replies defending the kilted man (who I wasn’t insulting at all in the first place dudes!) Since I have a big guilt complex and a low tolerance for alcohol, after the concert I went BACK to Borders, tipsy, and purchased a number of randomly selected Romance kilt novels, pledging to read them and educate myself. I have now dubbed this genre: Highland Hunk-Fantasy.
Yes, I read all of these books. Some I skimmed VERY LIBERALLY, but I did indeed make it through all of them. Barely. My exposure to romance novels isn’t that broad, but I love a romantic sub-plot so I figured this would be amusing and enjoyable! I didn’t realize that the whole point, the ONLY point in these romance books would be to GET THESE CHARACTERS LAID! Loins will throb on sight. Sheaths will “honey,” whatever that means. Forget escaping mad scientists/time travelers/evil Druids/businessmen, the world will stop because the chemistry is too much to bear! Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow Bagpipe-Style.
To be honest, Outlander was a wonderfully written book, highly recommended by the Twitterverse and quite unlike the rest (it was in the fiction section apart from the other oiled-up men). It’s interesting historically, it has a cool plot and a really touching romance. So, the experience wasn’t a total trash-fest, but almost LOL.
Back to the point, my task here was to evaluate the genre, and I came away from it with a few clinical observations:
-In general, Highland Hunk-Fantasy Heroes are HUGE and looming: ALL parts of their body *NUDGE NUDGE*. They will definitely be dark and dangerous and you wouldn’t want to meet them in a dark alley. Unless you wanted to have sex I guess, because they are MADE for it. “Natural-born predator”. “Man with a capital M.” I got the mental impression their brows were probably a little cro magnon, but maybe I was extrapolating a bit with all the grunting going on during the scenes.
-Per the covers, they are hairless and oil themselves up quite a lot. I guess just to moisturize, since they generally go shirtless and wear a kilt (nothing underneath OF COURSE!)
-They smell like spices, usually cloves, not unlike a pie, with a dash of leather or wool or just the general term “man” whatever that means (B.O.? I guess it does make a girl ovulate).
-They also have a heightened smell sense themselves. In one of these books, the hero declares that “He smelled WOMAN“. I nearly spit my tea out of my nose when I read that.
-They have no respect for clothing. They will rip anything off a woman, regardless of price, so be sure to go to Target and buy something cheap before a date.
-They will be sure to have had COPIOUS sexual relations with other women, because they’re certifiable studs duh. They are arrogant and know they can melt panties with a single glance. The only thing that throws them off is a plucky lady with sass, dubious fashion sense and a dash of low self-esteem. That perplexes them and wins their heart for some reason.
-Universally in their lore, whatever that lore may be, they are searching for “THE ONE”. I guess this is to reassure that although the stud has a history of lovin’ and leavin’, there’s a metaphysical roadblock in the near future that will prevent him from sleeping around on her after she “gives in” to him. So no worries (mostly virgin) lady hero, feel free to open up for business!
-During intercourse, and throughout the book afterward at odd times with their chosen, they will randomly scream out “MINE!” And the lady enjoys this.
There are other things I could list, but I don’t want to get too graphic. I think the end of my Twitter bargain is fulfilled and I was suitably punished, er educated. I don’t think I’ll be adding to my Highland Hunk-Fantasy Goodreads shelf anytime soon, but it was an interesting experience.
I’m gonna go read some Vampire romance now, LOL!